“Back then I was always looking ahead to who I wanted to be versus who I didn’t realize I already was, and the wished-for me was most likely based on who other people seemed to be and the desire to have the same effect on others that they had had on me.” (Carrie Fisher)
very single person living on this Earth has their own consciousness, with their experiences determining the lens through which they view things. I don’t think we can ever truly understand other people, even if we think we might be able to from time to time. We’re viewing things at surface level. Some people know their identities extremely well and some are completely lost. I began this blog with two clear goals guiding me; to help myself find my absolute identity, and to help steer others (you) toward their identities with the power of my words. I suppose that I write this blog out for love, for the purpose of love.
I’ve been trying to figure out the perfect way to explain how my brain works, and I hope in my explanation you can find something that you can relate to.
It’s difficult, trying to deconstruct yourself, and in what I’ve been reading I suppose everybody has their own metaphors. My perfect way of explaining ‘me’ came to me now (if only I could paint a good picture of how I scrambled for my journal before the thought disappeared):
Imagine you are a machine that is fed wires from different sources. These wires have always existed for you. Each wire relates to something that allows you to function as ‘you’: One is for maintaining friendship, another is for knowing how to have fun, etc. Without the information fed to you through these wires, you can’t retain the knowledge.
Now imagine if one day, seemingly out of nowhere, all the wires are cut. You are disconnected from the mainframe. You are helplessly lost, because everything that once seemed to come so naturally to you is lost and it’s difficult to remember how life was like while you had those wires intact.
The wires have been cut, but with massive effort and at a snail’s pace, you rebuild them all, one small step at a time.
Figuring out how to reconnect these wires, so to say, was (and is) the most difficult step. The wire labelled “things you like” is one of the most essential, and many other wires can’t be rebuilt if you don’t have that as a base first. And rebuilding the base calls for incredible effort, requiring lots of inspiration and self-examination.
I went to see The Kite Runner at the Playhouse Theatre recently… such a lovely rendition.
But what is inspiration? For me, I can find it in being around nature, no matter the amount (big parks, small succulents). Reading. Writing. Baking desserts. Exploring the culinary world. Theatre. Musicals. Singing. Drawing. Painting. Engaging. Discovering. Infinity beyond this minuscule list. You have to explore a little at a time and find you.
Matt Haig wrote something of which I could never put into words but always existed in the back of my mind. To paraphrase; A disordered state of mind emphasises the insecurities that were there in the first place. Haig’s words made me think about the following, too (I don’t know if I made this up or if I heard it somewhere else, but if I did pen it that’s amazing) ; You can give a man a painkiller for his rotting tooth, but it is a temporary fix – only by extracting it will you ever find long-term relief.
Less metaphorically – you can attempt to distract yourself from your problems, but in the long run, they’re going to catch up with you. You have to face them head on.
I understand now that to truly rebuild Elsa I have to extract my rotting teeth.
So, err, rotting teeth? Do you have examples?
Rotting Tooth: You are too scared to do things you want because you think people will judge you, so you either do what you think other people do or you do nothing at all.
Extraction Method: Understand that the only opinions that matter are of people who actually like you and vice versa. Cut off the rest. You attract people who are on your wavelength and not by trying to be someone else. Done.
Rotting Tooth: Loads of thoughts spin around your head constantly so you can’t concentrate, thus you lack the motivation to do anything.
Extraction Method: Find the right outlet(s) for our voice, and NEVER be ashamed to use it however much you want.
Etc. etc. etc.
I always used to succumb to peer pressure easily. But now, in discovering me, I’m really getting to know the power of my individuality. Whenever I start thinking things like “I should re-download Snapchat!”, I find that an effective method of identifying whether this is something I really want to do or not is by asking myself this question:
Who are you really doing this for, and will you actually be happy?
Usually, the answer is something along the lines of “I’m doing this so I don’t feel left out on what everyone else is doing,” which of course doesn’t even directly answer the question. (Even mentally I’m avoiding confrontation. I’m working on that as well.) When the answer isn’t “I’m doing this for my sake as it makes me feel like me,” then I don’t bother. There’s nothing to gain in doing something solely because you have an irrational fear over something you won’t care about on your deathbed.
This is the most intense thing I’ve ever written in my life regarding an analysis of me. It’s so lovely being able to type this up, and every word grows my confidence more and more and more.
I’m going to become 100%. And then 101%. And then 102%. And I’m going to have no regrets. Everything in this life happens for a reason, and I know the universe decided to give me this opportunity to truly understand/discover myself for the purpose of preparing me in time for September and the rest of my life. It’s all coming together.
The only healthy addiction you can have, I’ve decided, is an addiction toward developing who you are.