“Suddenly one of these gypsies in trembling opal, seizes a cocktail out of the air, dumps it down for courage and moving her hands like Frisco dances out alone on the canvas platform.” (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
It’s been a while since I last wrote anything here but that’s because second year has been so overwhelming… I can say with 98% certainty that that will forever be one of the most testing experiences of my life. Without going into too much detail…
I’ve been able to come to terms with exactly what my values are, and I don’t need to be afraid to show people who I am. I am the only me that there is – whether people like me or they don’t, that’s their business and absolutely none of mine!! No need to pretend to be something you’re not just to impress people who actually don’t care because it’s plain exhausting. Really, what’s there to gain in showing some fake image of yourself that you can’t possibly uphold? When people care about you they care about you and they show it in their actions. It’s a simple truth that’s hardly spoken. (And also, be able to understand how you could’ve hurt others. Forgive yourself, and make an effort so that they may forgive you, too.)
All of the above is relevant because through understanding this I’ve gotten to know myself so well. It was a year of sandpaper walls and my edges have now been smoothed. I’m not going to spend this year abroad lost – I have a new found confidence in knowing who I am, where I stand, the people who are important to me, what I love to do, what I’d love to see…
Now I’m just waiting for my final exam results and that’ll be that chapter closed!!! I’m grateful for my tough experiences, because now, I’m sure I can do anything. If this year didn’t happen, I don’t think I’d feel anywhere near as ready as I do now.
I think one of the most important things I learnt this year though is definitely the following:
Don’t live in the future – you exist NOW
My whole life I’ve thought about the future. Like, “there’s no point in doing this because in 3 months you’ll be doing this”, or, “I’ll do this thing that I wanna do later because I can’t be bothered to do it now”, that sort of thing. (Future anxiety? There’s probably some kind of phrase or word to describe this.) I know now though that that’s such a toxic way of thinking – how are you meant to live? How are you meant to do anything at all? I’ve been making sure every day now is a day of opportunity. Take life in both hands and keep a steady hold of it. Do things you love. Don’t be afraid. Hold onto your experiences. Because, at the end of the day, when your head is stuck in the clouds, the only person who will feel sorry for you is yourself. I wasted so much of second year just worrying about the future rather than living and enjoying myself and that’s a huge regret of mine. Is that person leaving the country in two weeks? So?! Live out those two weeks!! It makes no sense to mope!!
So what comes next?
At the time of writing I’ll be off to Japan in around 85 days. I’m halfway through filling in my Visa application form but I can only complete that in early July, when my Certificate of Eligibility comes in from Waseda University (and I can’t buy my plane tickets until it arrives) so I’m sorta sitting around waiting for the next step in terms of Japan.
This blog will be filled with so much. I have so many plans. Silly things like random book quotes, or my accommodation, or buying my first hot drink from a 自動販売機 ? I can’t wait to document my journey and grow. And who knows? Maybe someone else will love reading this blog and enjoy keeping up with my journey and feel inspired. If I can make even just one other person happy I’ll consider this a massive success.
Not sure when the next time I’ll update will be, but until then… 読者に自分の幸せを見つけて欲しい！